FIVE MONTHS OUT!

So today marks my 5 months post op halfway house.

 

And where am i?

 

Physically I am in quite a good space. I have lost 37 kilograms. That is almost 40!  That’s crazy man. I want to start lauging when I see that, I mean, who loses 40 kilograms? Definitely not ME, other people, I READ about, not me, not in a million years.

 

And here I am. Almost 40kgs lighter.

 

I am only halfway there, though. Another 40 to go. But somehow 40 does seem a bit more doable than 80 (seeing I have done 40 now and KNOW I can do it).

What a crazy thought.

 

Would it seem really horrible of me if I stated here that I think it should be more? That I could’ve done more? Because you know what, I could’ve. I’ve sabotaged myself here and there over the past 5 months. I only started exercising about two weeks ago (yeah, that is a shocker, for various reasons). I should’ve started a month post op, imagine where I could’ve been?

Also, I tend to eat chocolate. That is my only little pleasure left, and I indulge in it sometimes. Not all the time, and no not nearly as much as before the op.

 

But still it is there. And following the rules – it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t help that I don’t dump on chocolate (lucky me!!). but I will dump (or rather, go into a state of disarray) on apples.

 

So it frustrates me. The weight is coming off much more slowly now, and I want it to go faster. I don’t really know what I am feeling, to tell you the truth.

Something I have to say – and I realise this time and again – the biggest obstacle and challenge is mental. It is not physically. It is not the eating and the exercising and the not eating.

It is what is going on in your head. Well, for me that is, at least.

I get very emotional. I freak out. I cry. I get despondent. I get difficult. I cry. Sometimes I am elated, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying this op is putting one into a depression. God, not at all, do you know how much happier a human being I am for having this op? a lot!  I am just saying – it plays some mental tricks on you and it takes some time to get your ducks in a row.

Things can go haywire, but I suppose it is my hormones and especially also that I don’t have my “crutch” of food anymore. It is like the carpet was pulled from right under me. Things get bad for little Obeasta, and she scurries along to her corner in the dark and go eat something for comfort.

Now something bad happens and Obeasta don’t know where to go.

 

So my biggest wish and hope is that the psychological part of this whole trip of bariatric surgery gets sorted a bit. I find that I don’t really have any support on this front. Supposedly we have, it is in the paperwork, but nah, it doesn’t feel that way.

Also, I wasn’t very comfortable with the psychiatrist we had to see beforehand for the psych eval. That meeting had me feeling that something was lacking. I don’t know. Some understanding? Support? I am quite the observer and consider myself a good judger of people (jeez that sounds bad), but I just knew that I will not be returning to this man for guidance and help in the future.

And that leaves me out in the cold, because where do I turn?

I’ve been looking for psychologists specialising in patients with bariatric surgery and I haven’t found any. Here in Cape Town.

In the papers we received, a name was given of a lady that is part of the bariatric support team. In fact her details are still on there. But I haven’t seen her, not ONCE at any meeting or anything. I also heard from more than one patient that they had quite an upsetting experience with her and didn’t go back.

So where does this leave me?

I feel I need to talk to someone about everything that is happening to me. And also, how to develop strategies to relearn ways of dealing with issues. Obviously I’ve dealt with it incorrectly in the past (read: eating it all quiet).

The mental part of this journey is so so so important and honestly, it is the thing I struggled with most. The bariatric team behind me are so splendid, and did such an excellent job, it saddens me that this one part of it is falling behind so much. Especially as it is one of the most important parts. I need to sort my head out if I want this to be a success in the long term!

 

HEEEEEEEELP!

 

(but otherwise all is good in Obeastaland, thanks for asking.)

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Beginning the next adventure

So I made an appointment to go see my local gym tonight. At long last, I am doing this!

Need this if i am to reach my mini-goal by christmas (lose 16 kg – 35 pounds).

Because then – i would be below 100kg! The lightest I’ve been since high school 12 years ago!

Yay me!

Bit scared though, what if I fail like all the times before? A gym reeks of failure to me. Hope I can change it around this time.

4 months post op

Oh man! Life is running away with me!

So what is up at 4 months post op for Obeasta?

I have lost 34 kg (75 pounds) so far.

My exercise is not nearly what it should be (non-existent) but I am working on it. Going to join a gym.

My hair is falling out ;-(

I have a lot of hair, so it is not a train smash.

What is much worse is that i have terrible adult acne! Started getting bad about a month ago. Really bad. At my wits’ end as what to do about this.

Anyone else had this problem?

Feeling so good otherwise! Much more healthy and no big eating struggles any more. Eating quite little and sometimes i really miss having a big hearty meal.

I was much more of an emotional eater than i have ever imagined.

But i am getting through this easily enough.

Sometimes i can get really down, but i think it has more to do with my work situation where i am extremely unhappy.

Anyhoo, that is me 😉

where does the time go?

Who knows where the time goes!

Seriously need to get back into my blogging. And will do so. Diligently. I feel as things are slipping away from under me. My blogging. My diet. My vitamins. My sanity.

Perhaps because it is winter. And I am feeling emotional lately.

I am a week away from 3 months post op. And feel strangely in Nomansland. I’ve been getting quite a few compliments already on my weightloss and looking good and all that. Why do I feel so distanced and estranged almost though? As if my mind is a haze and everything is a bit of a haze.

Anyone experienced that? Is this normal?

One month post op today.

It is exactly one month since my operation. I cannot BELIEVE the time has passed so quickly. It felt as such drawn out torture at times…

But here I am, and I have lost 16 kilo’s as of today (including the 5 i lost with my liquid diet pre-op). That is down from 333 pounds to a slimmer 297! 36 pounds all in all!

SO, all in all I lost 11 kg the first month. Most of which during the first two weeks (and basically none since).

The last day or two the weightloss has jumped into gear again.

ok, so, how do I feel?  I feel a lot of different emotions. I am happy, of course, I am very happy. 16 kg would have been impossible in the past. I’ve tried. NUMEROUS times. And I suffered for it. And it just wouldn’t happen.

But, BUT, if you are considering this operation, really think carefully and PREPARE yourself that it is probably going to be harder than you think.

That said, here I am. I am alive, I am much healthier, I am on a road to lose this terrible weight that I couldn’t get rid of ever, ever.

Still feeling a bit uneasy and out of my depth, but I am hopeful that it’ll just get better and better. It already is.

 

Start of the liquid diet

Part of getting ready for surgery is going on a liquid diet for 2 weeks prior to surgery.

I am supposed to start on 3 April, but 2/3 days earlier might do me only good, so I am starting today. And I took that FIRST step!

I made myself and partner some Taystee Wheat. Nice hot porridgy business perfect for a cold day in Cape Town.

It took me a while to eat it all though, as I find it not so great. A bit hideous, actually. But I think it is just cause I am not used to it. Partner grew up with something similar I the mornings so he enjoyed it. But me? No, I was a madam. Didn’t eat this and didn’t eat that. Then I had some toast, then some Corn Flakes, then some Rice Krispies. And later on, absolutely nothing for breakfast.

So I am changing my life around! One steal and meal at a time. It is in so I am happy.

And it is the most wonderful day today, all cold and overcast with a sea breeze. It is Easter Monday, so we are at home and still in our pajamas!

Ah, feeling positive!

How I am feeling: physically.

I feel like shit. If I am not hungry, I am nauseous and have sweats.

Stomach cramps. Headache. Listless. It feels like my tummy wants to burst.

I feel damn uncomfortable!

I have been diagnosed as pre-diabetic. I understand that my eating will have an influence on how I feel. But damn I just can’t get it right. I wish I knew more. I read up on the Internet, but it is all new to me.

No diabetes in the family, never met someone with diabetes so it really is foreign to me.

Wish I could be healthy again. It is terrible to feel like this! I am 30 but I feel 85.