wandering down the yellow brick road

In less than a week I am 7 months post-op.

 

What a ride it has been thus far.

Difficult to wrap my head around it. I am a changed person. Mostly for the better. I am healthier, I feel more at ease in my skin, I can breathe better, I sleep better, I WALK better.

 

Sometimes the road still ahead gets to me though. I am sure it has some to do with my mental state. A lot of mental issues has come to the surface.

Things I obviously have been burying under a ridiculous amount of weight.

Trying to cope, trying to stay on course in my life, trying to deal with being on edge permanently, combating my perpetual state of anxiety.

And here it is, the big revelation of it all. I am dead on sure that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.

And binge-eating was one of the ways to cope.

I am seeing a psychologist every week (and still regular check-ups to my psychiatrist as well) and it has helped a lot.

She hasn’t confirmed Borderline to me yet, but I can pick it up. In the way we talk about things, what comes up, her reaction – her words. I just know it in my gut.

So yeah, big and hectic things. Things that make the weight loss itself take a back-seat for a while. Something I don’t want to happen, but inevitably does.

So, I just try and deal with it.

I am glad for this surgery. It has made me come to a point where I can stand up and face my demons, look them squarely in the face. Not backing off. Not backing down. Not hiding away. Not eating myself in oblivion to try and attain numbness.

And albeit it a scary journey, it is a necessary one. And one I am so glad I am finally able to face, and travel on, to be able to reach my end destination.

 

It’s back to work again…

Today I am back at work.

I was off for 3 weeks, almost 4 (including surgery).

So where am I? What am I going through?

It is getting better day by day, but it is still not easy and I am still struggling to find my feet.

My weight is also at a stand still since I started soft/pureed food almost 2 weeks ago. Which scares me. Having the thoughts of “what if this doesn’t work for ME”. bleh.

I am still struggling to hear my body telling me when it has had enough. My pouch is oh so quiet – so at times I eat a bit too much (and believe me, it is still very little). Then I go into excruciating pain. So now I am to eat too little rather. Which also don’t seem right, actually.

I am just trying to wing it. To win it.

Focusing on the positives. I sleep better! My apnea is definitely improving. I am also walking much better, have more oxygen in my lungs, which is great.

I feel better about myself as well. Started growing my nails, stopped biting it right before the op and now I have beautiful long nails, for the first time in my life and I love it! Also started wearing make-up again.

So nice to fit into clothes that didn’t fit anymore previously.

Everybody is telling me how good I am looking, so I suppose I must be 😉

I have a more cheery demanour about me which I also like.

 

Cannot wait to “meet” me when I am at goal weight and not a fat person anymore! Wonder how I’ll be like.