In less than a week I am 7 months post-op.
What a ride it has been thus far.
Difficult to wrap my head around it. I am a changed person. Mostly for the better. I am healthier, I feel more at ease in my skin, I can breathe better, I sleep better, I WALK better.
Sometimes the road still ahead gets to me though. I am sure it has some to do with my mental state. A lot of mental issues has come to the surface.
Things I obviously have been burying under a ridiculous amount of weight.
Trying to cope, trying to stay on course in my life, trying to deal with being on edge permanently, combating my perpetual state of anxiety.
And here it is, the big revelation of it all. I am dead on sure that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.
And binge-eating was one of the ways to cope.
I am seeing a psychologist every week (and still regular check-ups to my psychiatrist as well) and it has helped a lot.
She hasn’t confirmed Borderline to me yet, but I can pick it up. In the way we talk about things, what comes up, her reaction – her words. I just know it in my gut.
So yeah, big and hectic things. Things that make the weight loss itself take a back-seat for a while. Something I don’t want to happen, but inevitably does.
So, I just try and deal with it.
I am glad for this surgery. It has made me come to a point where I can stand up and face my demons, look them squarely in the face. Not backing off. Not backing down. Not hiding away. Not eating myself in oblivion to try and attain numbness.
And albeit it a scary journey, it is a necessary one. And one I am so glad I am finally able to face, and travel on, to be able to reach my end destination.