wandering down the yellow brick road

In less than a week I am 7 months post-op.

 

What a ride it has been thus far.

Difficult to wrap my head around it. I am a changed person. Mostly for the better. I am healthier, I feel more at ease in my skin, I can breathe better, I sleep better, I WALK better.

 

Sometimes the road still ahead gets to me though. I am sure it has some to do with my mental state. A lot of mental issues has come to the surface.

Things I obviously have been burying under a ridiculous amount of weight.

Trying to cope, trying to stay on course in my life, trying to deal with being on edge permanently, combating my perpetual state of anxiety.

And here it is, the big revelation of it all. I am dead on sure that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.

And binge-eating was one of the ways to cope.

I am seeing a psychologist every week (and still regular check-ups to my psychiatrist as well) and it has helped a lot.

She hasn’t confirmed Borderline to me yet, but I can pick it up. In the way we talk about things, what comes up, her reaction – her words. I just know it in my gut.

So yeah, big and hectic things. Things that make the weight loss itself take a back-seat for a while. Something I don’t want to happen, but inevitably does.

So, I just try and deal with it.

I am glad for this surgery. It has made me come to a point where I can stand up and face my demons, look them squarely in the face. Not backing off. Not backing down. Not hiding away. Not eating myself in oblivion to try and attain numbness.

And albeit it a scary journey, it is a necessary one. And one I am so glad I am finally able to face, and travel on, to be able to reach my end destination.

 

Victories 1

Victory 1 – I can take a nice hot bath! Before the op I couldn’t fit into our bath. How sad is that?

Victory 2 – I am not falling asleep at work anymore! In fact, I have quite some energy and tend to be quite upbeat. That’s new.

Victory 3 – fitting into some clothes that did not fit. At all.

Victory 4 – When we went on holiday 2 weeks ago, I walked for an hour (through a forest) – and then I walked up a mountain! All fairness, it was pretty much a hill. But that damn thing felt like a mountain. And I did it! I did it all! If you told me to do that before the op, I would’ve laughed a bit. And then cried a lot.

So on the eve of 3 months post op, things are looking good!

Renewed energy

I can really kick myself in the butt (if I could).

Why? Because I could’ve been further in my weight loss journey. Why? Cause I’ve been messing about, struggling day by day, worrying about what I should eat, and not managing to get in all my vitamins and such.

And what was the result? Me becoming a crazy person.

Yep, one big crying mess always feeling on edge. And sometimes snapping at my loved ones.

So you know what happened last night? My awesome boyfriend said “I am here to help”. And that is what he did.

He dried off my tears and truly let me know I don’t have to do this alone. Cause it is tough, man.

So what did we do?

* worked out a full menu for the week. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. For every day. With variety.
* made a shopping list for exactly what we need for these meals this week.
* worked out a daily schedule for when to take my vits, iron and calcium, all worked around my mealtimes.

Result?

One happy obeast!

Feeling on control and I am content! So whenever you feel the crazy coming on, stop for a moment and check whether all tour ducks are in a row for the week. If they are not, do it immediately, and I promise solemnly that you will feel brand spanking now.

Now why the hell did I not start doing this earlier??

The Others

I call them. The other people. Their thoughts and notions. And should you tell them?

For myself I decided that me having this op is not something I am going to hide. I am proud of myself taking charge of my life. Doing the bravest thing I’ve ever done, for my future children and my family and my guy and mostly, surely, for me.

It is a huge step having weightloss surgery and it affects one’s whole life. Every aspect. Why should I hide it?

On the internet I’ve read at various places how negatively The Others responded to an individual “coming out”.

And I find that very curious. I mainly read American websites and blogs and I have been wondering whether this was a cultural thing.

Because you know what I have found, here in my country South Africa? That each and every person I have told, have been EXTREMELY supportive and kind. All of them are interested to hear more and ask questions as to what it is exactly.

And they are all happy for me. And think that I am brave, of compliment me on it.

They are not looking begrudgingly at me. They are not jealous or mean-spirited in any way.

People actually phone me and send little messages of encouragement and just checking in to check up on me and how I am doing.

And the most precious thing of all, they all understand that it is indeed NOT the easy way out. That it is incredibly hard.

So I have to say I find it so sad to read of people getting negative reactions. Why can’t people have the sun shine over another? Why not take the time to ask questions if you know you know nothing about something, and rather ask what it is about, than to just have to put your opinion on something – you don’t know anything about in any case!

bleddie fools.

Good luck to all out there who don’t have the support of their loved ones, their friends and family, and colleagues!

where does the time go?

Who knows where the time goes!

Seriously need to get back into my blogging. And will do so. Diligently. I feel as things are slipping away from under me. My blogging. My diet. My vitamins. My sanity.

Perhaps because it is winter. And I am feeling emotional lately.

I am a week away from 3 months post op. And feel strangely in Nomansland. I’ve been getting quite a few compliments already on my weightloss and looking good and all that. Why do I feel so distanced and estranged almost though? As if my mind is a haze and everything is a bit of a haze.

Anyone experienced that? Is this normal?