ho ho ho. 2 days to go.

It is just before Christmas and I am feeling bleh. I am tired, I am a bit sad, I am a bit frustrated. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Probably my new meds. I dunno.

Went to the psych again and he added Wellbutrin to my mix. Read mixed reviews about it. Also discovered it is being used for people to stop smoking!

But I don’t want to stop smoking!

The thing is, I know I have to. But currently I am struggling my way through a marshland of serious mental difficulties. This weight loss has made a volcano erupt somehow. Which is a good thing, cause it’s stuff that was always there under the surface with which I never dealt. I dealt with it by eating myself to death.

Now I don’t eat myself to death anymore, thank fuck. BUT. now I am dealing with things I’ve had difficulty dealing with for over 20 years. And I need something. So I have  my menthols.

(And lately some Benylin with codeine, and that is so so so bad, i am trying to stop, honest to God)

It is just that I am crawling out of my skin, I want to shout, but it is as if it’ll just resonate, from one corner to the other to the other to the other all over me.

And in the meantime I am trying to cope with my parents’ very dire situation as well as me and my brother had a big falling out, which totally tore my world apart.

It also came to light that indeed it seems I am bipolar. so yay, I suffered from untreated bipolar disorder right through my teens and student years and trying to do my best, and fix everything and everyone, and yeah. Couldn’t just help myself anymore.

So I ate.

Now. I smoke. And now these Wellbutrin tablets (or the sleeping pills he prescribed) are leaving a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth. I struggle to drink water even, and I LOVE water! That is all I drink! litres of it!

So it seems a bit of a problem.

Anyhow.

I am trying to center myself and stay focused and taking me-time and do mindfullness as I was told. And it feels that it is working. But then I get moments like these. Where I sit in front of my computer and work and I just want to cry. And I don’t feel like doing anything. The thought of going home and reading a book doesn’t even excite me and make me happy – and that concerns me, because that is surely my favourite thing.

I don’t know. Sometimes I just get tired of this long journey I am on. It has its oases. Make no mistake. There are wonderful places along this yellow brick road. So many, that I would have to do a seperate post. But this is my moaning post. Cause I need to wallow a bit. When I am feeling better, I promise I will tell you all about the cool places I’ve discovered on this journey.

But now this weirdly bipolar, demented, disordered, girl interrupted just needs a bloody break.

And a smoke, darnit.

 

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wandering down the yellow brick road

In less than a week I am 7 months post-op.

 

What a ride it has been thus far.

Difficult to wrap my head around it. I am a changed person. Mostly for the better. I am healthier, I feel more at ease in my skin, I can breathe better, I sleep better, I WALK better.

 

Sometimes the road still ahead gets to me though. I am sure it has some to do with my mental state. A lot of mental issues has come to the surface.

Things I obviously have been burying under a ridiculous amount of weight.

Trying to cope, trying to stay on course in my life, trying to deal with being on edge permanently, combating my perpetual state of anxiety.

And here it is, the big revelation of it all. I am dead on sure that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.

And binge-eating was one of the ways to cope.

I am seeing a psychologist every week (and still regular check-ups to my psychiatrist as well) and it has helped a lot.

She hasn’t confirmed Borderline to me yet, but I can pick it up. In the way we talk about things, what comes up, her reaction – her words. I just know it in my gut.

So yeah, big and hectic things. Things that make the weight loss itself take a back-seat for a while. Something I don’t want to happen, but inevitably does.

So, I just try and deal with it.

I am glad for this surgery. It has made me come to a point where I can stand up and face my demons, look them squarely in the face. Not backing off. Not backing down. Not hiding away. Not eating myself in oblivion to try and attain numbness.

And albeit it a scary journey, it is a necessary one. And one I am so glad I am finally able to face, and travel on, to be able to reach my end destination.

 

Victories 1

Victory 1 – I can take a nice hot bath! Before the op I couldn’t fit into our bath. How sad is that?

Victory 2 – I am not falling asleep at work anymore! In fact, I have quite some energy and tend to be quite upbeat. That’s new.

Victory 3 – fitting into some clothes that did not fit. At all.

Victory 4 – When we went on holiday 2 weeks ago, I walked for an hour (through a forest) – and then I walked up a mountain! All fairness, it was pretty much a hill. But that damn thing felt like a mountain. And I did it! I did it all! If you told me to do that before the op, I would’ve laughed a bit. And then cried a lot.

So on the eve of 3 months post op, things are looking good!

ONE WEEK away from surgery, things are looking up.

Hiya all my new friends from the RnYTalk Forum!

You are welcome to join my facebook page as well 😉 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Obeasta/600504113312500

 

If you are reading here and you don’t know the RnY Forums, get yo ass over there NOOOOW!

www.rnytalk.com

— for the record, i am feeling better today. think it is all the support i received on that forums, and messages on here, thank you so much. I may be only a voice on a screen to you reading here, but I am an actual person who laughs and cries and who is also scared 😉

I have such great friends. You know what they did? They sent me flowers at work. And they are all in another city! My partner and I moved to Cape Town (where the work is), but all our friends are still back in our home town.

Shame, they realised I am struggling and feeling quite vulnerable, and kinda lonely without friends in our area.

So it was so so so nice and a wonderful surprise to suddenly get flowers delivered with the greatest of messages –>

“We get up in the morning and do our best, nothing else matters. The only real failure is the failure to try, and the only measure of success is how we cope with disappointment. Everything will be alright in the end, if its not alright, its not the end.”

How awesome is that???

I am the luckiest girl in the world!

 

Thinking of dealing with the boss and work

Time does seem to fly lately! Perhaps what with being back at work.

Last week I decided to phone the doctor’s office, as I haven’t heard anything yet from them. And there Charlene (the lady who works with my admin stuffs there) tells me she already sent an e-mail with all the appointments right after Christmas!

It never came through! It has quite a few attachments and that is why I think. Luckily I phoned – and she forwarded it again immediately. SUCH a nice lady. Fast and efficient! And very nice.

My appointments are all scheduled for 21 and 22 January. Still have to tell my boss. So, so scared. Don’t know how I am going to bring it up. And what do I tell my boss? Everything? I don’t want to tell her everything, because then surely I will start crying. And I really don’t want to cry. As I’ve cried before in front of my boss and it is very embaressing. Although I have to say she is a very understanding and sweet person, but I can’t help feeling like a “lesser employee” in that instance. Like I am some kind of “problem” as I am the “emotional” one.

And I feel it is a bit frowned upon. So I don’t want to endorse it that I am the cry baby! Although I obviously am…

Do you think I cry so much and so easily, because of me being fat and self-conscious – as I am a sensitive being? Or do you think it is because I am just a sensitive being and it was my shield against the harsh world to eat, so as to “lock out” everybody or harsh words?

Chicken or the egg?

So yes. Appointments next Monday and Tuesday and I would have to put in sick leave, but what to tell the boss… Just that I have a few tests the doctor wants me to undergo? And that I don’t really want to go into it not before I get results? And that she shouldn’t worry cause it is not serious (I mean it is not life-and-death)?

Don’t know what to do!

the final countdown to that first meeting..

ok i am freaking out. it is 2 hours until my meeting with dr etienne swanepoel and i thought i was fine.

until about ten minutes ago. and i realised that my heart is racing. i am quite tense. feeling a tension headache coming along.

shoulders stiff!

oh man! here goes!

the start is the first step. 26 november 2012. i’ve made the decision.

and here i am. the first day. almost like the first day of school. or first day of college.
difference is, no one arounds me notice something different.

the difference is in the inside.

you soo, i took a decision this past weekend. and i told my partner about it. i was crying. he was also crying a bit. he held me tight.

i told my brother. he held me tight. he cried, he is a softie.

i’ve decided, after years of struggling with my weight – and being OBESE (THERE, I SAID IT) , i am taking the only way out. gastric bypass surgery.

for my survival. and for my life. and for living.

because i wish to start living in my dirty thirties.