ho ho ho. 2 days to go.

It is just before Christmas and I am feeling bleh. I am tired, I am a bit sad, I am a bit frustrated. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Probably my new meds. I dunno.

Went to the psych again and he added Wellbutrin to my mix. Read mixed reviews about it. Also discovered it is being used for people to stop smoking!

But I don’t want to stop smoking!

The thing is, I know I have to. But currently I am struggling my way through a marshland of serious mental difficulties. This weight loss has made a volcano erupt somehow. Which is a good thing, cause it’s stuff that was always there under the surface with which I never dealt. I dealt with it by eating myself to death.

Now I don’t eat myself to death anymore, thank fuck. BUT. now I am dealing with things I’ve had difficulty dealing with for over 20 years. And I need something. So I have¬† my menthols.

(And lately some Benylin with codeine, and that is so so so bad, i am trying to stop, honest to God)

It is just that I am crawling out of my skin, I want to shout, but it is as if it’ll just resonate, from one corner to the other to the other to the other all over me.

And in the meantime I am trying to cope with my parents’ very dire situation as well as me and my brother had a big falling out, which totally tore my world apart.

It also came to light that indeed it seems I am bipolar. so yay, I suffered from untreated bipolar disorder right through my teens and student years and trying to do my best, and fix everything and everyone, and yeah. Couldn’t just help myself anymore.

So I ate.

Now. I smoke. And now these Wellbutrin tablets (or the sleeping pills he prescribed) are leaving a TERRIBLE taste in my mouth. I struggle to drink water even, and I LOVE water! That is all I drink! litres of it!

So it seems a bit of a problem.

Anyhow.

I am trying to center myself and stay focused and taking me-time and do mindfullness as I was told. And it feels that it is working. But then I get moments like these. Where I sit in front of my computer and work and I just want to cry. And I don’t feel like doing anything. The thought of going home and reading a book doesn’t even excite me and make me happy – and that concerns me, because that is surely my favourite thing.

I don’t know. Sometimes I just get tired of this long journey I am on. It has its oases. Make no mistake. There are wonderful places along this yellow brick road. So many, that I would have to do a seperate post. But this is my moaning post. Cause I need to wallow a bit. When I am feeling better, I promise I will tell you all about the cool places I’ve discovered on this journey.

But now this weirdly bipolar, demented, disordered, girl interrupted just needs a bloody break.

And a smoke, darnit.

 

So what do you actually eat then..?

A blog by one of my new-found blogs (a friend and she doesn’t even know it yet!). I read this and I wanted it close at hand so that I can refer back to it in 2 month’s time. So what better way than to press it, because I am sure whoever is reading here will also benefit from this info.

And people, please go join my facebook page, it is lonely in obeasta’s lonely world!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Obeasta/600504113312500

So what do you actually eat then..?.

Thinking of dealing with the boss and work

Time does seem to fly lately! Perhaps what with being back at work.

Last week I decided to phone the doctor’s office, as I haven’t heard anything yet from them. And there Charlene (the lady who works with my admin stuffs there) tells me she already sent an e-mail with all the appointments right after Christmas!

It never came through! It has quite a few attachments and that is why I think. Luckily I phoned – and she forwarded it again immediately. SUCH a nice lady. Fast and efficient! And very nice.

My appointments are all scheduled for 21 and 22 January. Still have to tell my boss. So, so scared. Don’t know how I am going to bring it up. And what do I tell my boss? Everything? I don’t want to tell her everything, because then surely I will start crying. And I really don’t want to cry. As I’ve cried before in front of my boss and it is very embaressing. Although I have to say she is a very understanding and sweet person, but I can’t help feeling like a “lesser employee” in that instance. Like I am some kind of “problem” as I am the “emotional” one.

And I feel it is a bit frowned upon. So I don’t want to endorse it that I am the cry baby! Although I obviously am…

Do you think I cry so much and so easily, because of me being fat and self-conscious – as I am a sensitive being? Or do you think it is because I am just a sensitive being and it was my shield against the harsh world to eat, so as to “lock out” everybody or harsh words?

Chicken or the egg?

So yes. Appointments next Monday and Tuesday and I would have to put in sick leave, but what to tell the boss… Just that I have a few tests the doctor wants me to undergo? And that I don’t really want to go into it not before I get results? And that she shouldn’t worry cause it is not serious (I mean it is not life-and-death)?

Don’t know what to do!

this is the year!!!

Hiya!

I am back in front of the computer, after a much deserved, and thoroughly enjoyed, holiday.

Everything is still on track. Although I haven’t heard from my doctor regarding the appointments yet… At least I know I am on track.

Why??? CAUSE I’VE STOPPED SMOKING!!

That is HUGE! Yep, decided 1 January is as good a day as any other. And I did it. And it is tough, let me tell you that. I loved smoking. I still love it. If I could smoke, I would. But I know I can’t anymore – not only for the surgery. For my own health.

I mean, this is about me getting my health, right? (don’t want to say “getting my health BACK”, cause I don’t think I ever had it)

Ok, so one thing at a time. Stop smoking. Check.

 

the final countdown to that first meeting..

ok i am freaking out. it is 2 hours until my meeting with dr etienne swanepoel and i thought i was fine.

until about ten minutes ago. and i realised that my heart is racing. i am quite tense. feeling a tension headache coming along.

shoulders stiff!

oh man! here goes!

try and focus on positive thinking, i keep telling myself.

the nerves are really starting to chew on my insides. i am scared to see the doctor. to face him. to search his eyes and see the same disgust i see in other people’s eyes.

if i see that it’ll just break my heart. as i am trusting my whole being into his hands.

you see, how i overdramatise things? i haven’t even met the man yet. and already i think negative thoughts of what he is going to think of me.

my biggest fear however is that i won’t be able to get this surgery. that i don’t qualify for it for some or other reason, but mostly, that my medical aid won’t cover it.

it will be a death sentence to me, if i cannot have this done. i am a bit frantic, actually. driving me up the walls. struggling to sleep. and at times my heart starts racing.

 

mothers know more than we think…

so the past weekend i told my mum… and it went…

 

GREAT!

 

i am so so blessed with a truly awesome mother. who really just cares for me, who wants what is best, and who wants to see me happy and be healthy.

when I told her, initially she was shaking her head, NO. and she started about her friend’s daughter – who has all the problems (see the previous post… just as i predicted).

but after that, she stopped going on about it, and asked me how come. can i elaborate. and then i did. i told her of all the research i’ve done. i told her about the doctors, the whole support system they have going there. i told her about all the hundreds and hundreds cases i’ve read about. the before care and the after care. the do’s and donts.

and i made printouts. i gave her her copy of the printouts (with parts highlighted – in pink no less). and i started reading to her from it.

and then i spoke from my heart, telling her how i honestly feel this is my only way out. no use living on the pie in the sky “one day if i lose all this weight”. it’s not happening. i’ve been saying that for years. i have been trying and failing that for years. the years of AGONY. of chastising myself. of belittling myself. of self-loathing. it has to stop. no more.

and that mostly i am doing this for my health. as i can feel it taking its toll, this extra weight. i could handle it before, but i can feel my feet giving in, my organs. i’ve been struggling at night sleeping. can’t walk very far. almost constant heartburn. my poor heart. and liver.

and i told her my partner and i have plans, we would like to have our first baby when i am 32. i am turning 30 next year. SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE. it is now or never.

 

and i also want to be able to wear a pretty dress. and love myself. because i know i deserve it too.