wandering down the yellow brick road

In less than a week I am 7 months post-op.

 

What a ride it has been thus far.

Difficult to wrap my head around it. I am a changed person. Mostly for the better. I am healthier, I feel more at ease in my skin, I can breathe better, I sleep better, I WALK better.

 

Sometimes the road still ahead gets to me though. I am sure it has some to do with my mental state. A lot of mental issues has come to the surface.

Things I obviously have been burying under a ridiculous amount of weight.

Trying to cope, trying to stay on course in my life, trying to deal with being on edge permanently, combating my perpetual state of anxiety.

And here it is, the big revelation of it all. I am dead on sure that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.

And binge-eating was one of the ways to cope.

I am seeing a psychologist every week (and still regular check-ups to my psychiatrist as well) and it has helped a lot.

She hasn’t confirmed Borderline to me yet, but I can pick it up. In the way we talk about things, what comes up, her reaction – her words. I just know it in my gut.

So yeah, big and hectic things. Things that make the weight loss itself take a back-seat for a while. Something I don’t want to happen, but inevitably does.

So, I just try and deal with it.

I am glad for this surgery. It has made me come to a point where I can stand up and face my demons, look them squarely in the face. Not backing off. Not backing down. Not hiding away. Not eating myself in oblivion to try and attain numbness.

And albeit it a scary journey, it is a necessary one. And one I am so glad I am finally able to face, and travel on, to be able to reach my end destination.

 

So what do you actually eat then..?

A blog by one of my new-found blogs (a friend and she doesn’t even know it yet!). I read this and I wanted it close at hand so that I can refer back to it in 2 month’s time. So what better way than to press it, because I am sure whoever is reading here will also benefit from this info.

And people, please go join my facebook page, it is lonely in obeasta’s lonely world!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Obeasta/600504113312500

So what do you actually eat then..?.

update

So made at myself that it has been so long since I’ve posted on my blog. I wanted to document each step of the journey. But then life happens, and you fall behind on some things, as you pick up the extra stress from other added things.

So where am I?

I am far!

I am having my op on 17 April!! YES, I WAS GIVEN THE GREEN LIGHT!!

While going through my tests and doctor appointments, etc, a few things came to light.

* I have a mild stomach ulcer and I am on medication for it now. It needs to be healed before my op, please pray!

* I suffer from sleep apnea. I stop breathing 30 times in ONE HOUR. 70% oxygen when I am sleeping – way too little. So now I sleep with a CPAP machine.

* I have prediabetes. It is quite serious and I am in line of getting diabetes if things don’t improve. Luckily it was caught soon enough. I am on medication (luckily no insulin shots as of yet).

So yes, this is where I am at.

Now I am trying to make sense of all the accounts and do my sums, as hectic financial wheelings and dealings lying ahead!

I am elated that I have been given the go-ahead. But I am also very scared. And a bit apprehensive.

Thinking of dealing with the boss and work

Time does seem to fly lately! Perhaps what with being back at work.

Last week I decided to phone the doctor’s office, as I haven’t heard anything yet from them. And there Charlene (the lady who works with my admin stuffs there) tells me she already sent an e-mail with all the appointments right after Christmas!

It never came through! It has quite a few attachments and that is why I think. Luckily I phoned – and she forwarded it again immediately. SUCH a nice lady. Fast and efficient! And very nice.

My appointments are all scheduled for 21 and 22 January. Still have to tell my boss. So, so scared. Don’t know how I am going to bring it up. And what do I tell my boss? Everything? I don’t want to tell her everything, because then surely I will start crying. And I really don’t want to cry. As I’ve cried before in front of my boss and it is very embaressing. Although I have to say she is a very understanding and sweet person, but I can’t help feeling like a “lesser employee” in that instance. Like I am some kind of “problem” as I am the “emotional” one.

And I feel it is a bit frowned upon. So I don’t want to endorse it that I am the cry baby! Although I obviously am…

Do you think I cry so much and so easily, because of me being fat and self-conscious – as I am a sensitive being? Or do you think it is because I am just a sensitive being and it was my shield against the harsh world to eat, so as to “lock out” everybody or harsh words?

Chicken or the egg?

So yes. Appointments next Monday and Tuesday and I would have to put in sick leave, but what to tell the boss… Just that I have a few tests the doctor wants me to undergo? And that I don’t really want to go into it not before I get results? And that she shouldn’t worry cause it is not serious (I mean it is not life-and-death)?

Don’t know what to do!

Meeting the doctor.

I’ve jumped over my second hurdle! I am indeed in this race, and I am in it to win it!

Was quite stressed the whole day – didn’t get to do much work (I am trying to make up for it today, that is why I could only come and post now).

When I arrived, I had to fill in 3 sets of forms. The ins and outs of my history. Diet history. Of what I’ve done in the past. Conditions I am currently suffering from. Causes, perhaps. Family problems? All kinds of questions for the doctor to better understand my case.

And then I met him! And he impressed me immensely. He has lively eyes, that are soft and understanding. He made me feel welcome, and validated. He seemed impress by the fact that I’ve done a lot of research and know what he speaks about. He explained a few things of the operation itself and WHY it is important.

He also told me that it is more dangerous for me to NOT have this surgery, than actually getting it done.

It hit me against the head. That this kind man (and a bit unnerving, a little bit) is putting it to me like it is.

I am glad I chose him. I can see us walking side by side, on this journey of mine.

What happens next? His office ladies are making my necessary appointments (which will probably only be in January). For the following:

* Sleep study

* Gastroscopy (I don’t know how that’ll work, because I can’t even swallow a tablet – how am I going to swallow a camera?!)

* Abdominal scan

* Blood tests (for all kinds of things – like cholesterol, diabetes, etc)

* Psychologist

* Dietician

So a few more hurdles in the race. Only at the start now. But at least I have begun!!

—- oh, another big thing. I have to stop smoking. Yep. I knew that was coming. It is ok. Although I love smoking, I think it is the fat girl that loves smoking. The skinny me won’t like it all that much. Because the skinny me won’t need that crutch anymore. Plus it stinks and is costing me a lot of money.

The fat girl will be very sad to see the cigarettes go. But that is her problem. Screw you, fat girl, you’ve made my life miserable. I don’t need you and your cigarettes anymore in any case. Stuff you, man.

 

the final countdown to that first meeting..

ok i am freaking out. it is 2 hours until my meeting with dr etienne swanepoel and i thought i was fine.

until about ten minutes ago. and i realised that my heart is racing. i am quite tense. feeling a tension headache coming along.

shoulders stiff!

oh man! here goes!

try and focus on positive thinking, i keep telling myself.

the nerves are really starting to chew on my insides. i am scared to see the doctor. to face him. to search his eyes and see the same disgust i see in other people’s eyes.

if i see that it’ll just break my heart. as i am trusting my whole being into his hands.

you see, how i overdramatise things? i haven’t even met the man yet. and already i think negative thoughts of what he is going to think of me.

my biggest fear however is that i won’t be able to get this surgery. that i don’t qualify for it for some or other reason, but mostly, that my medical aid won’t cover it.

it will be a death sentence to me, if i cannot have this done. i am a bit frantic, actually. driving me up the walls. struggling to sleep. and at times my heart starts racing.