Update – breakdown

I need to make a statement.

This last few weeks I have been in a very very very bad space (mainly because of office politics and not the op – plus I have a feeling i might suffer from borderline personality disorder).

Now the statement. I want to retract what i said about the psychiatrist. Why? Because I said some harsh things not feeling supported.

I said that because I was in crisis.

And you know what? This man made every effort to fit me into his busy schedule on short notice when I flipped and reached out for help this week.

And that is what I have come to realise. One has to reach out for help when you feel you need it. People can’t read your mind.

I am forever grateful for this man for grabbing my hand when I was drowning. And taking the time to listen and to help and advise. And to CARE. Cause i realised – he honestly cares.

Got me some meds and starting to feel better.

Also started seeing a psychologist – on his advice and i am so happy that i am doing this. I clearly need it.

I am so happy for all the help i received.

Blessed is what i am.

I also saw my surgeon. He was awesome! Quite happy with my progress and it made me feel so good. He says i am quite on track. I walked out of there feeling even lighter 😉

My bloodwork is all good. Yay for me!

Current weightloss stands at 42 kgs lost! Almost a hundred pounds!

Reached another big goal – for the first time ever i weigh less than my boyfriend!

So yeah this is me. Moving on up. Trying to get out of my crisis state. Had a good cry today. And feeling guilty about what I said previously. I was in a dark place and it bothers me now a lot. Especially since I was helped out so much this past week.

But I am keeping those posts as it is a reflection of where i was at the time.

And just part of my journey. Still is. Ongoing.

I am seeing my psychologist again tomorrow. Also going back to work after a week. Very scared. Especially since I have to ask my manager to leave an hour earlier so I can make my appointment.

On another front – at long last I found a protein shake I can stomach!! Soooo a lot of protein for me now and my weightloss has picked up again!

It is Evox 100% pure whey protein shake – cookies and cream flavour.

Ok i have to dash. Get ready for bed and the dreaded return to work where I am so afraid of getting into trouble. Especially since i am in the state i am in.

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Beginning the next adventure

So I made an appointment to go see my local gym tonight. At long last, I am doing this!

Need this if i am to reach my mini-goal by christmas (lose 16 kg – 35 pounds).

Because then – i would be below 100kg! The lightest I’ve been since high school 12 years ago!

Yay me!

Bit scared though, what if I fail like all the times before? A gym reeks of failure to me. Hope I can change it around this time.

Christmas goal

Friends! I just had an epiphany.

I am almost five months post-op. Today is the start of spring. A very long and cold and wet winter is behind me. And from today I am kicking up a gear!

Going to join a gym ASAP come Monday. Enough of this lazying around. The time has come for me to honestly make the most of this precious tool I have received.

I have lost 75 pounds (34 kg) since my highest weight. My goal is to be under a 100 kilos (under 220 pounds) by Christmas. That will be my gift to myself. I am 257 pounds (117 kg) now.

You think a loss of 37 pounds (17 kgs) is possible by Christmas? Little less than four months. Theoretically it should be. But my weightloss has creeped to a very slow loss. Perhaps my lack of exercise, but also my menu choices. I am struggling deciding what to eat and being an active participant in what i get in. I am sure i dont get in nearly enough protein.

I know I am just probably lazy to make the effort. But I do feel overwhelmed quite easily, so I try and not berate myself so often.

Any tips? What is your go to menu plan for a given day? Something tried and true? I dont take shakes at all as they tend to make my feel nauseous (I am lactose intolerant). Even if i make them with water – it still has the consistence of something milky and I struggle to get it down!

Hope to hear some good tips to get to my goal by Christmas! Anyone joining me???

4 months post op

Oh man! Life is running away with me!

So what is up at 4 months post op for Obeasta?

I have lost 34 kg (75 pounds) so far.

My exercise is not nearly what it should be (non-existent) but I am working on it. Going to join a gym.

My hair is falling out ;-(

I have a lot of hair, so it is not a train smash.

What is much worse is that i have terrible adult acne! Started getting bad about a month ago. Really bad. At my wits’ end as what to do about this.

Anyone else had this problem?

Feeling so good otherwise! Much more healthy and no big eating struggles any more. Eating quite little and sometimes i really miss having a big hearty meal.

I was much more of an emotional eater than i have ever imagined.

But i am getting through this easily enough.

Sometimes i can get really down, but i think it has more to do with my work situation where i am extremely unhappy.

Anyhoo, that is me 😉

Victories 1

Victory 1 – I can take a nice hot bath! Before the op I couldn’t fit into our bath. How sad is that?

Victory 2 – I am not falling asleep at work anymore! In fact, I have quite some energy and tend to be quite upbeat. That’s new.

Victory 3 – fitting into some clothes that did not fit. At all.

Victory 4 – When we went on holiday 2 weeks ago, I walked for an hour (through a forest) – and then I walked up a mountain! All fairness, it was pretty much a hill. But that damn thing felt like a mountain. And I did it! I did it all! If you told me to do that before the op, I would’ve laughed a bit. And then cried a lot.

So on the eve of 3 months post op, things are looking good!

Renewed energy

I can really kick myself in the butt (if I could).

Why? Because I could’ve been further in my weight loss journey. Why? Cause I’ve been messing about, struggling day by day, worrying about what I should eat, and not managing to get in all my vitamins and such.

And what was the result? Me becoming a crazy person.

Yep, one big crying mess always feeling on edge. And sometimes snapping at my loved ones.

So you know what happened last night? My awesome boyfriend said “I am here to help”. And that is what he did.

He dried off my tears and truly let me know I don’t have to do this alone. Cause it is tough, man.

So what did we do?

* worked out a full menu for the week. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. For every day. With variety.
* made a shopping list for exactly what we need for these meals this week.
* worked out a daily schedule for when to take my vits, iron and calcium, all worked around my mealtimes.

Result?

One happy obeast!

Feeling on control and I am content! So whenever you feel the crazy coming on, stop for a moment and check whether all tour ducks are in a row for the week. If they are not, do it immediately, and I promise solemnly that you will feel brand spanking now.

Now why the hell did I not start doing this earlier??

Big milestone today!

Big day today!

As of this morning, I have lost 20 kg since my highest weight pre-op!

I cannot believe it!

Feels like I won a big prize. Which I did in a sense 😉

I am so very grateful. Dr Swanepoel gave me my life back. I am looking forward to my progress and the future.

Update on how I am feeling physically:

I am 5 weeks, almost 6 weeks post-op. and my body is speaking louder than my brain now. At last the switch happened.

The dark side of the moon now is that I am a bit afraid of eating. Just because I am experiencing an unwell feeling whenever I eat. Not dumping. Just an unpleasantness.
So like Pavlov’s dog I come to dread eating something.

This is kinda new and I have a notion that it is only part of the journey. My insides settling in and nerves coming back. A friend who is a few months post op told me she went through the same thing. That at this stage she just didn’t want to eat because most everything didn’t sit too well with her pouch. Apparently it passes.

I hope so.

Don’t like feeling this queasiness. It is quite unpleasant. And of course now I am not getting all the food and nutrients in that I have to and that comes with its own set of problems.

Like headaches! And don’t think it can be fixed with a tablet. Noooo, I am not taking tablets yet.

So I am riding it out.

But otherwise, apart from this, I am doing great and feel so much better about myself! Feeling so much more healthy.

Not a struggle to put on shoes anymore! Or to get into the bath!

Funny hoe such “little” things can get so huge once one is not able to do it.