My feelings currently

My latest rant over at RnY Talk. It captures all i am feeling, so i am publishing it here.

Girls, to be honest i am very worried now about this smoking thing. I smoke. A lot. I stopped for 3 months presurgery and started again about one month post op.

I know it is bad and i understand it is especially bad after this op and why.but here’s the thing. Smoking is all i got.

My life is so terribly terribly shit at work that i feel i am at the brink of a disastrous breakdown. I am doing my all to balance my sanity. Ofcourse you all understand about the stressors and anxiety we have about all kinds of things – including:

• missing comfort from food
• coping without its “help”
• will i succeed
• getting foodstuffs right and ready
• doing research in eating plans and stuff (i am so frustrated cause all the info i get – 65% we dont have in south africa and i just cant seem to manage to get all my protein ;-(((
• trying to amp myself to go gymming and doing exercise. I hate exercise! And i am telling myself i like it and want to do it because it is needed and part of this process – but deep down i still hate it and i want to shout it out so that i can come clean to myself
• i have a lot of debt because of all the costs involved and i cannot seem te get out of it plus my parents are struggling a lot financially and i am so worried about them, they are also quite sickly and i am so afraid one of them might die, i will totally be f*cked of something happened to either if them and i dont know how to make it all better their whole situation and where their desperation is taking them and it breaks me to see them struggling like this they are the best parents in the world and dont deserve this life
• my mental state is up and down a lot and sometimes it gets really bad and i dont know what to do about it – i’m off my meds since surgery and although we have a good bariatric team here i feel the psych part is totally lacking, i saw the psychiatrist but it was a 30 minute or so talk and he was actually yawning (excusing himself for it, but still keeping on) and when i took a huge knock in hospital after my op because the nurses never gave me a substitution for my meds on time (after i had to harass them for it, like it wasnt even important on their notes or whatever) and obviously i was withdrawing he was just never there to check up on me – although his office is around the corner from the hospital – i mean how come?? Shouldnt that be a concern? i mean just one quick check in? especially seeing that i am a “difficult patient” making scenes in the hospital? I was flipping out and telling them something was wrong but noooo. And no use in going to my doctor (the surgeon) as he is just not one of those people that you can go to with your gripes. He is an excellent surgeon and did an excellent job, but there’s not that feeling of connectedness to talk about anything that i am feeling, and my fears and problems i am facing, so that is out. There is just no psych professionals here available to deal with bariatric patients and i feel it is so so so important!
•bloody hairloss and acne
• stressing about my partner and what i am putting him through. He is sticking it out and supports me all the way, but i know he has his own little issues and am i in someway, through all this crap of mine, making him be worse off??
• and the office politics where i am working oh my goodness that is the worst of all of all! I cannot TAKE it anymore, i’m nit even going to begin to talk about it because it upsets me extremely and it is just unbearable and there is actually nowhere to turn
• and what if i get a bloody ulcer from all this smoking????

Cause smoking is all i have now.

My few minutes to escape at the office, my moments of silence when i drag myself away from the kitchen and bad food, my comfort when the stress just gets too much. It is all i have now to cope – and gasp horror what will happen if i take that away from myself??

So it is not just to quiet for me. What if taking it away is the straw that breaks this camel’s back?? I am scared.

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first obstacle – telling one’s mother…

i love my mum. she is AWESOME. she is the BEST mother for me. and i am so blessed that i got to be hers.

things were rocky when i was a teenager. we are very similar. hard-headed women. and much too clever, and glib. very much so. so imagine the teenage tantrum stage. my poor mum. i thought she was crazy, and i told her so as well. how horrible is that? she probably thought i was crazy too. don’t blame her if she did. i guess i am 😉

anyway. luckily i’ve grown up, and quite early on i realised how EXTREMELY blessed i am with my parents and my brother. we truly have a great family, we are all very close, and we love each other deeply. and don’t ever really fight. we have fun together, and laugh, and are always excited to see each other.

and in this all – herein lies my first obstacle.

telling my mum i’ve decided to have bariatric surgery.

she is going to flip. i am 100% sure of it.

and how can i be so sure? because a friend of hers’ daughter had this surgery done about 10 years ago. and currently she is very sick and struggling a lot, in and out of hospitals and almost died. and obviously mum doesn’t want that to be my fate.

when she told me about this women’s problems a few months ago, she was reiterating – how BAD this operation is and it is SO DANGEROUS and she doesn’t understand how anyone can do it to themselves.

she can be a bit of a drama queen (like mother like daughter)… and i know her well enough she was going on like this to dispel any notions i might have of getting it myself. although i’ve never told her i’m considering it even. i think she knows me well enough.

so yeah. tonight i have to face the music and tell her.

and honestly i just don’t have the strength to weather this storm. of convincing her. of butting heads about this. i am in turmoil enough as it is.

i’ve done my research and i have decided to take this chance. cause at least i HAVE a chance on life this way. if i don’t – i have NO CHANCE. no chance whatsoever. the time of building pies in the sky is over. there won’t ever be a “one day when i lose the weight i’ll…”.

because it won’t happen. it hasnt happen in 15 years. in fact, it has just gotten worse and worse.

so that is what i will have to make her understand.

wish me luck.